What Makes Me Laugh

Just not at the same time. This is what traveling in Montana is like. One night you’re picking up a thin, white terry-cloth towel from a hotel when you notice a warning sign posted in the bathroom that says, “Please do not use the ‘white linens’ for removing makeup or cleaning your shoes. That’s what the tissues are for,” and the next night you’re sleeping at a bed and breakfast where Michael Keaton rests his head before his hunting trips. 

I’ve been doing some “business” travel the past week, and since I work for The Wilderness Society, this includes getting to know some spectacularly wild landscapes and staying in some really out-of-the-way places.

Upper Missouri River Breaks National Monument

Montana is the 4th largest state in the union, and its reputation for beautiful, mountain scenery is justified. It’s just that about two-thirds of the state is more prairie than mountains and rarely visited by tourists. This isn’t all that bad, but when you show up in small prairie towns like Glasgow, or Malta, or Fort Peck, you just never know what kind of accommodations you’ll find. 

I called Doug from the Fort Peck Hotel and said, “So you know how some places you wish they would restore the historic features, like the woodwork? Well, this place doesn’t need to do that, since from what I can tell, they haven’t done anything at all to it since the 1930’s.” I didn’t want to use the shower, it looked so old, and the ceiling sagged in a few places over my bed. Blinds covered the window, with a pink sheet draped across the top for decoration. But what really puzzled me is why they offered six bars of soap and no other toiletries. Six bars of soap? I hardly use up one in a month at home.

But you know what, it’s better than staying at a chain hotel with no character at all, a place so homogenized that you’re not sure whether you’ve landed in Montana, California, New York, or New Jersey. I’ve been at conferences at Best Westerns where I’ve really had no clue about what was outside the conference center. The beauty of small towns and small town hotels is that they have character. They’re different. They even spawn different kinds of crimes.

Recently, two men got into a fight about the population of Hilger (which might have 50 year-round residents), and one man ended up dead at the end of the argument. I often pass through Hilger on my way to the Charles M. Russell National Wildlife Refuge, and I’ve never seen a population sign, but it’s tempting to go into the Rainbow Bar and ask, “So how many people live in Hilger?” and then slip out when the debate begins.

Glacier National Park

I thought that Flight of the Conchords  had the funniest tourism posters, but my own state has outdone the brilliant comedians. 

Travel Montana, which is in charge of promoting Montana to tourists, is running a series of magazine advertisements featuring scenic Glacier and Yellowstone National Park photographs and the slogan “Montana: There’s Nothing Here” with the accompanying ad copy:

“There is nothing here. Nothing but grizzlies and wolves and bison and trout. 

Nothing but fresh huckleberry pie for breakfast—with a friendly conversation on the side. 

And nothing but the growing embers of the evening’s campfire to remind you that we get to do it all over again tomorrow. Montana. You just never know.”

Um. Montana. You just never know? 

As the Great Falls Tribune pointed out today, this is a little underwhelming (and puzzling, I might add). They paid someone to come up with that?

What’s wrong with our official monikers? Montana is the Treasure State, some also call it Big Sky Country, and William Kittredge dubbed it, The Last Best Place. Now, Tourism Montana has provided us with, “Montana: You Never Know.”

 The Tribune commented, “That’s like saying “Montana: What the heck?” or “Montana: north of Wyoming.”  

Without any expectation of payment, I would like to nominate a few slogans for Montana Tourism to consider as well, such as:

 “Montana: Thank god it’s not Wyoming,” or “Montana: The Last Best Place to buy your second home.” 

Or how about:

“Montana: Only 9 months of winter.”

My Floridian father-in-law is terrified of grizzly bears, so for him I’d like to suggest,

“Montana: Grizzly bears aren’t as scary as alligators,” or “Montana: Where you don’t have to buy an air conditioner to survive.”

But seriously, Montana is paradise in the summer, and as wild and beautiful a place as you’ll ever see, and I do recommend a trip.

So, how about: “Montana: Let’s keep it that way.”

I was going to call this post, “The Last Supper” and then I realized just how inappropriate that would be on Good Friday.

On our final day in Tasmania and our final night in Australia, we sampled some of the best that the country has to offer. The best rainforest in Tasmania has to be Mount Field National Park, which sits near the heart of Tasmania’s wildest country.

Mount Field's gorgeous rainforest

Russell Falls

We took a beautiful circuit hike amongst the tall trees and waterfalls of Mount Field in the morning, but not before we sampled the best coffee and hot chocolate in Tasmania.

Australians are serious about coffee. Bars (or pubs, as they call them) have espresso machines. Even a lot of gas or petrol stations have espresso machines – although we passed on one that offered espresso made from instant coffee (eeugh). I don’t drink coffee, but I do drink hot chocolate, and I can say that the hot chocolate is much better there too — not so sweet, and a lot finer chocolate than Hershey’s.

Anyway, we stopped at the Possum Shop and had our best coffee and a delectable breakfast of sticky date pudding, which is not a pudding at all, but more of a gooey caramel cake, and scones and fresh raspberry jam. I’m salivating just thinking about it.

Doug was on a quest to find the best fish and chips in Tasmania. Seriously, if he could have, he would have eaten fish and chips for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He thought the best was found in Strahan, on the west coast, but a pretty good runner-up was found in Hobart, where we stopped before our evening flight. The high-end fish is blue eye trevalla, a meaty white fish that is probably most similar to cod in our part of the world.

Downtown Hobart

After the fish and chips

Like a lot of nights while we were traveling, we missed having a proper dinner. This time our flight times interfered and by the time we arrived in Adelaide it was past nine, and past closing for most restaurants (they close really early in Australia). So we dined on takeout pizza on a park bench while listening to a woman playing an acoustic guitar at a local pub cover Green Day’s “Time of Your Life” and watching the intensely bright southern hemisphere stars. It sounds sappy, but it was the best last supper to be found in Australia.

Travel Tip #3: When seakayaking, make sure you choose someone besides your spouse for a partner.

The twilight sea kayakers

After our adventures in southeast Australia, we drove up the coast to Freycinet (pronounced Frayseenay) National Park, one of the most gorgeous places on earth. Imagine turquoise water, white sand beaches, exotic forests, mountains made up of jumbled granite rocks, and most of it removed from civilization’s easy access. Now that’s my kind of place!

Wineglass and Honeymoon Bays at Freycinet Park

 

 

It was at this juncture that our trip became a bit more “balls to the walls” as Doug put it, and after a three-hour drive we hiked five hours up a mountain, across two beaches, and through the forest just in time for another dinner of fish and chips (Doug’s favorite food) at Coles Bay.

Wineglass Bay Lookout

At Wineglass Bay Beach

A wild wallaby on the trail

The next day we hiked to the top of Mount Amos in the morning, and then scheduled a twilight sea kayaking adventure across Honeymoon Bay.

Hanna hikes with her borrowed toque (Canadian), beanie (Aussie), or hat (American)

At the top of Mt. Amos

This went well, except that we have never sea kayaked before, and my driving skills annoyed Doug so much that he used up his quota of dirty looks for the trip.

We managed not to bicker too much (I mostly laughed hysterically every time he gave me a look for steering us in the opposite direction from where we were supposed to go) but Doug mentioned to our guide that when he used to guide whitewater rafting trips the guides called the double kayaks the “divorce boats.” She laughed and said she’d witnessed some awful fights in Honeymoon Bay and actually had couples ask to switch partners during the tea break half-way through the 3.5 hour trek.

The back paddler in a touristy sea kayak steers the boat not with her paddle, but with her feet. You press the right peddle to go right and the left peddle to go left. Or, if you’re me, you press the left to go right, realize that you’ve done the wrong thing, overcorrect and nearly tip the boat while out at sea. If you can’t walk and chew gum at the same time, this might not be the position in the boat for you. 

The front paddler in a sea kayak sets the rhythm of paddling and generally tries to keep the boat going forward. I was decent at this except that I kept dumping shovel-full buckets of sea water on Doug when I brought my paddle up and out of the water and he wasn’t too keen on that experience either. So we switched spots during the break, and paddled in last because of my terrible steering skills. 

Sigh. You just can’t be naturally talented at everything.

They might have to rename Honeymoon Bay  Divorce Bay if they keep offering kayak trips for couples across it. Don’t try this at home.

Another night of squinting at the television to catch the New Zealand tourism poster next to Murray’s desk. Are your ready? It’s New Zealand Like Scotland But Further. Also, Bryan the Prime Minister shared his own campaign poster on tonight’s episode.

Speaking of posters, the show’s poster contest is heading into the final stages. Finalists have been selected and I’m rooting for Flip the Birds. 

For fans jonesing for more information about the show’s stars and other interesting tidbits from New Zealand I highly recommend Kiwi Bloke’s blog, which most recently posted items about Jemaine Clement taking on a new comedy project and Rhys Darby (Murray) starring with Philip Seymour Hoffman in a movie.

 Also, Catherine Sherman writes a compelling post about why she became a fan of the New Zealand duo and includes the famous “It’s business time” song for your viewing pleasure. 

For stalkers like Mel, there is always the unofficial FOTC fan sites. My favorite? What the Folk! 

Episode 19 of Flight of the Conchords is not to be missed! Not only is the poster by Murray’s desk classic, but Jemaine’s impression of Art Garfunkel and Art’s actual appearance on the show is hilarious. Plus, the prime minister of New Zealand makes the trip to New York for a rocking fondue party with Murray.

I found a facebook discussion group titled,  “Best New Zealand Tourism Posters from Murray’s Office” where  people have posted their favorite sayings from the posters by Murray’s desk. I forgot about a few that made me laugh like, ” New Zealand Just Like Lord of the Rings”.

In other Flight of the Conchords news, a fun video from the show, “Leggie Blonde” is on the HBO website featuring Murray (and a few other behind the scenes videos as well). And, most exciting, Jemaine and Brett are going on tour this spring, and will be in Salt Lake City (the closest venue to me) on May 17th! 

New Zealand tourism posters on the show by episode:

#19 – New Zealand Only 18 Hours From New York

# 18 – New Zealand Ewe Come Visit

#17 – New Zealand Take Your Mum

#16 – New Zealand Better Than Old Zealand

That’s the New Zealand tourism poster title on Flight of the Conchords episode #18. You can also catch a glimpse of another poster behind Murray this episode with the phrase, “Down Underer”. For fans keeping track of the tourism posters on the show I’ve included the last two (episodes 16-17). If you remember ones from episodes 13-15 please add them in the comment section. Thanks!

17. New Zealand Take Your Mum

16. New Zealand Better Than Old Zealand

P.S. You can check out the entries to the Flight of the Conchord’s poster contest now. The winner will be announced on March 9th!