What Makes Me Laugh

Martha, Martha, Martha. Just when I was starting to like you again. The stories of you picking dandelions in the prison yard and leading yoga sessions for the other inmates made me smile and think how plucky and resilient you are when the chips were down. Now, when I need to make apple cobbler or something with arugula and goat cheese I use your recipe search online, and though I haven’t used any of the organizational tips you e-mail me it’s the thought that counts, right?

Produce from last year's garden - the closest I can get to a Martha Stewart like image

So, why did you have to do an interview with the Washington Post that made you look so out-of-touch with the common woman who doesn’t iron her napkins before each meal? I mean, c’mon, glitter? Just the first line of the article made me laugh:

    ”Martha Stewart has a plan for how everyone can endure the economic crisis: by     glittering, embossing and beading.”

Really? Is that what we’ve been missing? Crafts?

It gets much worse. Another excerpt:

Q: How is the recession affecting domestic life and people making things at home?

Martha’s Answer: People are staying home and enjoying it by crafting and beautifying their home with decorating and cooking. They can’t afford to travel, but they can afford a [$23] glitter kit.

A $23 glitter kit? I’ve made it 32 years without buying a glue gun, thank you very much, and now I’m supposed to buy a glitter kit?

Oh, but there is more. Martha, again:

“In this time, when people have lost money in their IRA accounts and they may have lost their jobs and are having trouble making ends meet, they can lose themselves in beautiful projects.” 

So, if I’m hungry, and I need to feel better about my situation, I should get some beads, glue, and glitter and just lose myself in beauty. Not whiskey? I don’t know, maybe it could work?

It’s sad to me that Martha has to cut back on her tree plantings this year because of the recession (god knows, we need a few more trees) but frankly, she sounds more than a little miffed that people might (gasp!) bring her a few good brownies for a hostess gift instead of fine wine. Read on:

Q: Your daughter, Alexis, and pal Jennifer Koppelman Hutt, who do the Fine Living cable show “Whatever, Martha!,” did an online poll asking if someone was going to visit you, Martha Stewart, which item wouldthey take as a hostess gift: homemade brownies, a bottle of the finest wine, fresh flowers from their garden or a store-bought cake? The flowers got the most votes online, but what would be your choice?

Martha’s Answer (listen for tone): ”My choice would be a bottle of wine. If you bring flowers, it’s like bringing coals to Newcastle. I have more flowers than most people. I certainly don’t need a cake; I would be making the cake. Brownies? No.”

Coals to Newcastle? Martha also advises her gift-giving guests not to get too distracted by Twittering about it. “Too many of us are sitting around Twittering. How about knitting? Knit me a sweater or a scarf.” 

As for blogging? She can keep up with it via her blackberry and the laptops that are available everywhere she goes. Martha, I’m impressed. Crafts can cure everything.

With the unemployment rate the highest since it’s been since 1992 (which begs the question, what the hell was going in 1992? Public radio always announces the phrase “the blah blah rate has not been this bad since X year” with extreme gravitas — as if we all are going to shake our heads and say, ”Wow, man, 1992 – god, that’s awful!”) I thought I would share the most innovative and politically incorrect tip for job seekers I’ve heard in a long time.

First, let me qualify this by saying that this is only a tip for the unemployed who have a little bit of money left in their savings accounts. The truly poor should not take this advice. It’s too risky.  Also, it’s not a form of poorly-advised guerilla marketing where you do silly things like post your facebook status as “looking for work and willing to do just about anything” or where you leave desperate messages with relatives you haven’t seen since the terrible family reunion where you got drunk and threw up all over the dance floor. Not that I’ve ever done that.

Ok, so the answer is … drumroll please … outsource your job search. I’m not kidding. A few weeks back I was listening to a podcast from The Moth – a great non-profit that supports live storytelling — when I heard a story by A.J. Jacobs called “My outsourced life” which he originally wrote up for Esquire Magazine in 2005.

One outraged reader who was out-of-work because of outsourcing wrote to A.J. that he was upset about the article until he decided to outsource his job search to India and had a new job within a week.

Outsourcing is apparently also useful for things like losing your luggage. The  The Huffington Post wrote all about the various ways to use outsourcing to your advantage. Check it out!