What Makes Me Laugh

So, that was a short sabbatical, but I had to break it. I’ve been dying to write about food, which is better than dying because of food, which is the other option on the table for me. At the beginning of the month, I was diagnosed with Celiac disease (also known as Celiac sprue, which is where the title of the blog post came from). This means that if I eat wheat, or other forms of flour with gluten in it, my body gets really angry and starts doing crazy things to my small intestine that nobody but me really wants to hear about.

 Chances are you know someone like me, who can’t have any gluten, and you think, as you’re chewing on something delectable, ”God, I hope I never have to go without my bread.” I seriously don’t hope that for you either, but I’m happy that the cure for my “disease” made me feel a lot better.

Anyway, going “gluten-free” wouldn’t be so difficult if I didn’t have a few other teeny weeny food problems to deal with. Namely, I’m also allergic to all dairy, eggs, peanuts, bananas, and cane sugar (and maybe almonds and asparagus, not really sure yet). I’m basically a vegan who eats meat, but no Kung Pao. Does that make sense?

I used to bake. A lot. Which makes sense now, because a lot of times you actually crave the foods you’re allergic to, and boy did I crave pizza. Which, BTW, if you’ve never heard Mike Birbiglia’s monologue about pizza, you’re missing out. Download it on itunes.

The good news is that I do feel better and I’m losing weight like a banshee. The bad news is that  I took a pledge to not complain for 49-days, so I’m trying to be all up-beat and positive about the whole thing while reading gluten-free food blogs like a porn addict. I’m not kidding about this. I could look at photos of gluten-free brownies for hours and contemplate whether it would be better to use date sugar or .

 I even considered starting my own gluten-free food blog, but then I decided I would really just go to the dark side and not think of anything else all day except for how to find the perfect sugar substitutes for baking something without eggs or wheat. I’ve already spent hours trying to find pure chocolate that hasn’t been processed without nuts or dairy or cane sugar. Good luck with that one. It doesn’t exist.

The other bad news is that my grocery bills jumped exponentially, which is weird since you’d think that now that I’m making all of my own meals (and I mean all of my own meals – I even contemplated buying my own grain mill this morning while driving to work) I would actually save money. However buying fresh, organic, and unusually hard-to-find foods is hard on a budget. But, I’m not complaining. No sir-ee. Especially since Doug has taken on my allergies as if they are his own, and is eating only what I can eat (what a man).

The good news is that I am eating all sorts of yummy things. Agave syrup, apricots, avacodos, strawberries, salmon, cherries, melon, brown rice chips, coconut milk, hemp milk, wine, brown rice cereal … hey, you get the picture.  People should be so lucky to have my kind of a problem.

Anyway, my sense of humor is back, in full force, and I’m trying to laugh at the fact that I just called our local wine shop to find some gluten-free wines (don’t ask – something about the oak barrels and paste) which made me feel like a freak. You never know, I might throw in a recipe section on this blog for Celiacs with a sense of humor (I have to admit, this is a very very small crowd with Celiac sufferers – mostly because they have a hard time getting people to take them seriously and stop waving pizza around in front of us).  Sigh.

 No complaints here.