Blades of Glory
17 Feb
I’m giving up watching male figure skating for Lent. It’s really not fair to make fun of them. Honestly, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel (not that I even think shooting fish in a barrel would be that easy, let alone fun to do, but you know what I mean).
But before I purge, I need to binge. Here’s a sample of our in-home commentary watching the Olympic male figure skating competition last night.
Doug says, “It’s hard to believe that’s a triple, huh?”
I say, “It’s hard to believe that’s a man.”
The real commentator says, “That was hot.”
I came of age in the era of Elvis Stojko and Kurt Browning, when male figure skaters still had some sex appeal to women. But sadly, things have changed, and I’m finding it more disturbing than sexy.
Last night I discovered that the new trend in male skating costumes are fancy gloves, the kind your grandmother wore to hide liver spots, not to keep her warm. If this wasn’t bad enough, some skaters wore oversized mittens, as if the skater suffered from chicken pox and needed to wear gloves to keep from scratching himself during the event.
Even the “most masculine” of the United States figure skaters, Evan Lysacek, wore gloves with feathers on them. When he put his hand up to his face he looked like he was holding a feathered fan. It wouldn’t surprise me if he wore a feather boa in the long competition tomorrow night.
To keep cringeworthiness down, I think at least one judge should be completely dedicated to rating the costumes, and deductions should be given for any costume that inspires you to say things like, “I think he’s wearing a bodice. Is that a bodice?”
Close to the end of the competition, one skater appeared behind the rink to talk with his parents and from what I could see of his top half I thought he might provide some relief. He didn’t have his hair gelled, and his shirt was flannel. What I couldn’t see was the bottom half of his costume, which was meant to look like a carpenter’s overalls, only with one of the suspenders hanging uselessly by his side, making me think he was really going to put on a stripping show on ice.
Despite the temptation, the commentators largely ignored the flamboyant costumes and provided such wise directions to viewers as, “His costume looks overpowering. It almost looks burdensome for him, but look past that.” This was the man who was dressed like a medieval soldier in a ballet. He was wearing skates that looked like leather go-go boots. It’s hard to look past that, let alone at that.
But, one commentator summed up the evening perfectly with this statement, ”He just rocked the tassle.” Yes, indeed, of that I’m sure.
I love Jason Wier. He and Adam Lambert should totally date. If you have not seen his performance to Poker Face, you should watch it the very day Lent is over. Trust.
That's good stuff, Janelle. You really are a talented (and funny) writer!
This is hilarious! I haven’t been watching the Olympics so I’m missing all of this good stuff. The one time I tuned into figure skating, one of the male skaters (he was wearing a a weird overall with patches…) was skaking strong and then he fell… I hope all of this will be available on YouTube.
Sorry I missed Project Runway on Ice. I did make time to watch Apolo Anton Ono and Shaun White, who looks fairly manly in plaid.