The Nose Job

One experience I never imagined having in my life is having someone else’s finger completely inside my nostril. You know that saying, “You can pick your friends. You can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose?” Well, it needs a little updating now. You can pick your friends. You can pick your massage therapist, and she can pick your nose for you. 

Tonight, I had my seventh Rolfing session and areas of my head were massaged that I’m still not sure should be massaged by someone other than myself. Not only did my nose get a good poking, but my gums were rubbed and my pallet “stretched” all in the name of fixing my aching back.

I signed up for 10 sessions of Rolfing in January not really knowing what “Rolfing” was, except that it had done wonders for the bodies of two friends of mine. They didn’t warn me about the nose massage, but that probably wouldn’t have deterred me. I’m into alternative medicine. I’ve tried chiropractic, acupuncture, naturopathic, homeopathic, Reiki, and now “nose massage.” 

When my friends ask me what Rolfing is, I describe it this way, “It’s a form of deep tissue massage that’s like a cross between chiropractic and massage therapy. From what I’ve heard Rolfing is a little like acupressure. It hurts like hell sometimes, and it has significantly improved my posture and eased the pain in my back and legs.” Now that description is not even close to the official definition, but it’s the way I describe what I’ve been through to the average person about being “Rolfed.”

Why is it called Rolfing? Unfortunately, Rolf was the last name of the therapy’s founder — Ida Rolf. It’s too bad her last name wasn’t something a little less likely to make you think of vomiting, but nonetheless, I am grateful to her for inventing a therapy that makes my body feel so good. 

What I don’t tell people in casual conversations, and what my friends failed to tell me before I started, is that Rolfing will really stretch your boundaries. For starters, in order to evaluate your body’s structural “challenges” your therapist may need to watch you walk around in your underwear for five minutes. Now, unless you strip for a living, it’s a little disconcerting to have a complete stranger stare at your half-naked body while you walk.  I’m telling you, only the possibility of back pain relief could make me do it.

What’s odd about Rolfing (among other things) is that in order to get cured of pain you have to experience some pain. When I described it as a “form of deep tissue massage” I meant “deep” and not in the places you are normally massaged. Imagine someone grabbing a fistful of neck skin like it’s the head of a chicken about ready to be cut off and then massaging what’s underneath. And in session 7, prepare to experience the rubber-gloved mouth massage, and finger-condomed (K-Y jellied) nose massage.  My nose job almost didn’t happen because my nostrils are fairly small and even a lubricated pinky finger looked unlikely to fit. But after a bit of work on her part, it did, and my sinuses are still clear.

My therapist revealed that a big point of discussion among Rolfing therapists is what kind of lubricant to use during the nose job. This is all well and good, but if I had one piece of advice to give you when you choose a Rolfing therapist, it wouldn’t be to ask what lubricant will be used during the nose job. It would be to ask what her ring size is!